I find that standing on the precipice of your dreams, of a calling so much greater than yourself, you feel small and insignificant in its wake and you wonder why me? I’ve recently asked that question. “God why me? Why am I called to this? Who am I that you would call ME, of all people?” Why am I called when there are others far more qualified, far stronger, far more talented than me. Yet, why do I want to step into this calling so much, and yet fear it so greatly aroused at the same time?
I’ve recently wrestled with this idea of being unworthy of the call I have had spoken into me by God. And the truth is I am unworthy. We all are. Who am I that a perfect God would want anything from me? What could my broken shattered self give him that He doesn’t already have, and have a better version of yet? Who am I that he would call ME into the light of his power, equip me and use ME. What could my average gifts yield in a pool of so much greatness?
Inevitably, fear creeps in. It threatens to strangle them- those things that set our souls ablaze within us, our dreams. My dreams. My dreams, my soul- life itself, what its all about; all those things that God has set inside us. All of who I am and was created to be is threatened in those moments when fear takes over.
So what’s the answer? The answer is Isaiah 55: 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways” … His ways are higher than our ways. They are more noble, intricate, and intentional than we could ever understand or imagine.
So the only answer to find is : I trust. Trust Him. When the fear comes in, the unworthiness gathers in my heart, I will trust in Him, El Roi the God who sees because HE SEES ME. I will remember that He has never yet let me fall. So I will trust his plan. I will walk out on the open seas, heart in my throat, and I will swim into the calling He has hailed me to. Or die trying. Because I know what God has done for me.
I know the pits of despair, of anguish, of pain that He has dug me out of and in miraculous ways. I know the hollow nights He heard my screaming into pillows and answered me, even when I stopped asking, even when I stopped singing. Even when I doubted, even when I gave up on Him He never gave up on me. On the contrary. I walked in His favor. His grace, unmerited, going before my feet like a river making a way where there was no way. Carving the path for me out of stone, like water pushing through and eroding rock. And I am stronger for it. I am greater because He chose me, and chooses me everyday despite my meager faith and wonderings.
Instead of death, God offered me life.
It is abundant. It is glorious.
And I will sing…
My Saviour’s scars
My chains are gone
My debt is paid
From death to life
And grace to grace”
-“Grace to Grace” Hillsong-