You go about your life; the plain, the ordinary until a moment where your existence collides with the words ‘abdominal mass’ and you begin to wonder.
You wonder whose life you are living in this moment of disbelief. You wonder how this can happen at 28 years old and a week and what it can mean. You wonder if those two words will determine whether you will ever be married. You wonder how having children may escape you despite loving the little humans as they walk by, hand in hand with their look-a-like parents. You wonder if there will ever be any mini-you.You wonder what your own kids could look like and weep at the uncertainty of their existence. You begin to feel utterly alone in your waiting existence.
Your first thought is cancer. That despicable C word that has left a bad taste in your mouth. Already this year it’s claimed your mother’s breasts, her womanhood, and you wonder what it could claim from you.
You walk around the city, a zombie in human clothing and wonder some more. You wonder about your faith and call everything you’ve ever known into question. You walk about, feeling queasy and allow ten thousand scenarios play through your mind. You ask yourself “Why is it that God wants to hurt me? Why does He want to utterly destroy those I love?” despite not believing these things in your head. But between the head and heart is a good 12 inches. Its a vast conglomeration of mazes by which what you know has to travel to what you feel and so you wonder if your faith ever really was true to you or just a lie you comforted yourself in believing. You wonder what happened to the good God you once knew. You wonder if He is as good as you once thought, then why could you possibly be going through this?
You wonder and you ponder and churn on the inside like a factory burning coals day and night. And yet, amid the vast despair of not knowing, there is an odd sense of calmness, a deep set peace. A panic-less presence that somehow invades in the madness and you know. You know its God. Somehow, you know on the inside no matter the outcome, it will be okay. Yet, there are about a hundred thousands doubts between then and now. You go back and forth between trust and vomiting ten thousand times as you wait to hear an outcome.
Some weeks and a few thousand dollars later you discover the “mass”is a benign cyst. It’s not the C-word, though a c-word for sure. You begin to eat and taste food again and sleep at night. Yet, there is no going back. There is no gong back to the carefree person you were before this fire, this breach against your own person. It’s Like a betrayal. A betrayal against yourself that you have no control over.
Yet, despite the thousand lives you’ve lived in 3 weeks, you find that truly you do not want to be who you were before. You do not want to go back because despite the utter detestability of the situation, you’ve learned so much about yourself, about your faith, and even about God. And you begin to wonder again. You wonder how it is that He brought certain people into your life just recently and just in time to carry you over this threshold of despair. You wonder if He knew that you would need those powerhouse people and put them in your path on purpose. All of a sudden, the ‘chance meetings’ are not so chanced and that gives everything a whole new meaning. You are thus reminded of the all-powerful God, who watches closely your existence not from afar and provides for all your needs ahead of time. And you begin to wonder again.
You wonder why He is the One who chose you since the beginning of time to be here, to live in the now, and made a path before your feet even when there was none. He is the God of miracles, the God who sees you despite your meagerness in the vast expanseless universe.
He is the one who carves a way out of stone and brings dead things to life. So on this journey called life I will put my hand in his and walk with Daddy, because He is a good good father who does not destroy those He holds dear. He gives us the strength to walk through the fire when it is lapping at our feet, even when it’s hard, even when we think we can’t survive, He makes a way. So I will make it a point to trust where I can’t see and live believing the best is yet to come.